It's almost funny to read posts from the fall. I was totally in a different place then. I was also still medicated then. It's so different now. And so awful....
I have not been this depressed in a very long time. So much crud Tim and I have gone through since October. What I thought was his problem is actually my problem (and honestly, why did I think any differently??) I have some serious spiritual issues that I've managed to mask in the past. For the past 17 years....
Been doing much more reading the Bible and viewing of Joyce Meyer shows. Between the two, I have learned tons. There is so much I was missing. Mainly, that God ACTUALLY forgives me. I do understand that now. I don't need to DO anything to keep that up--it's just done. Unfortunately, I cannot manage to forgive myself. I cannot love myself. And if I can't love myself, I cannot love others. If I can't forgive myself, I cannot forgive others. The kicker of all of this--I just want it all fixed and can't seem to fix it! I want out of this pit of despair! I hate that I'm here and I hate that it affects everyone else--especially those who live with me.
I have also learned Satan is just as present as God. Just when I think I'm digging out, Satan is right there to push me back. Felt decent a couple of days ago, and now, HORRIBLE. Really thought I was starting to come out of it. WANT to come out of it. DESPERATELY want to get out of this pit!! My heart just feels dead. I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was crying and thinking too much about how I let myself down all day. But I think it was Satan right there sucking my motivation right out of me. But ultimately, all of the decisions to NOT run, NOT do this, NOT do that, were all mine.
I feel like my brain understands more, but the faith levels are very low. I WANT to believe it all, but it's so hard when it's not black and white. And so not right in front of me. I WANT to live for today, but it's so hard when my brain is still so very scrambled. I just want to understand and move on!
Yes, I want to live for today. More so, I just want to not be tired anymore. Physically tired, emotionally tired. My head is killing me most days. I'm tired of not understanding, tired of fighting, tired of trying to do it all on my own, tired of feeling like I don't have purpose, tired of messing up my kids, tired of messing up my marriage, tired of messing up friendships, tired of messing up casual relationships. Freakin' physically and emotionally exhausted....
If I left this earth right now, my family would be sad--sad that I wasn't who I could have been. Especially Tim. He knows I can get through this. I THINK I can get through it, but I'm still not super positive since I am still dealing with the same stuff year after year after year. I feel like I learn a lot, but my heart never changes. Feels hopeless at this point. But of course, I am seeing from a pit right now, so it's hard to see anything....
I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and this was all behind me. It could all be behind me and then I can look back and learn from it all. But right now, all I want to do is sleep, but I can't sleep. So to say the least, that's frustrating.
Growing closer to God? Oh I don't know. Learning more about Him? Yes. But not sure if I'm getting any closer. Disappointing really. I wish I could just grow closer....
